28/3 I’ve somewhat recovered from my mini break down the other day. I still feel really shit but I’m starting to find a little bit of hope, probably cause I downed loads of cod liver oil tablets this morning (omega 3s for tha brain). I realised, or more like remembered, that all of my pain and depression is being caused by my mind. By thinking about situations that aren’t even real. I’m not stuck here, my life isn’t over and I’m not going to feel depressed for the rest of my life. It’s just going to take a while to get used to. Even though my overall life situation still seems like it will always be an unfulfilling cycle, I can just take things day by day. Everything took over me at once on Sunday and it was a lot to deal with.
I’ve had a rethink of my plans. I’ve decided I’ll stick it out for 1 month here. If I like it, I’ll make another plan to find proper accommodation etc. If I don’t, I’m going to look into doing work exchange in LA or Miami until my funds start to deplete. At least I know I like it there, the weather’s nice (really important for my mental health) and I have one or two friends there. So I guess I’ll just wait it out and see. Like so many people told me the other day, I need to go easy on myself.
I forced myself to get out of bed today (at 12pm, omg) to go for a walk, even though it was raining. It was the absolute last thing I felt like doing but there’s only so many times your roommates can walk in the room and see you’re still in bed before it starts to get embarrassing. I found a cool Chinese buffet which also happened to be vegetarian.
I ate this then started to get emotional that everyone around me was with friends and I was alone so I came back to the hostel and had a little cry. I know that sounds so dramatic but that’s depression for you. I’m trying to allow these emotions to come and go rather than bury them.
Honestly all I wanted to do was take a nap but I again forced myself to get out. I went to the Delta hotel to use their pool and jacuzzi. After the strange man who kept smiling and raising his eyebrows at me left, I had the whole place to myself. It was relaxing to just focus on exercise for a bit, I really need to keep that up. I had a little drink at the Starbucks upstairs before heading back to the hostel to eat bagels and oranges for dinner (wild).
I am so bloody tired but I need to save up my tiredness for tonight because this hostel is an absolute madhouse and it’s extremely difficult to sleep. My bags and my coat are on my bed due to lack of space, it’s roasting and there’s no way to turn off the radiator. This means we sleep with the window open which isn’t only loud AF (2nd floor in the heart of downtown) but also allows people from the street to watch me sleep if they wanted to. Ew.
Also… my roommates are intense. Unpack then repack your suitcase for an hour at 2.30am despite being 4 days away from checking out? Why not! Call everyone in your phone book and shout down the phone at 6.30am? Go wild. I had hopes of befriending the only non-noisy roommate until he scolded me for not soaking my grains before eating them (for maximum nutrient absorption, obvs). So… might be a lonely time until they check out. If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. Hopefully I’ll make some friends when I start work on Monday. My brother reminded me today that “it’s darkest before dawn” so here’s hoping. I guess things can only get better.