I’ve only been gone for two weeks and haven’t even started working yet but already my depression is rearing its head again. I know it’s unreasonable and logically I know everything I’m thinking is a lie but this feeling seems uncontrollable. I’m sad, stressed and honestly disappointed. I had such high expectations for this trip which have left me feeling let down. I’ve left the two friends I have in Canada as they have places to be and things to do, and now I’m on my own. It’s so scary. It’s hard for me to make new connections when I’m feeling this anxious and sad- even simple small talk is bringing me to the verge of tears.
I told myself there would be no pressure to stay if I wasn’t enjoying myself but again I see myself feeling stuck if I don’t feel better in a few weeks. I know my feelings are amplified because I’m feeling down today and I’m probably being ridiculous. But I’m scared of being in a foreign place alone again. I’m scared of starting work and entering the 9-5 life, the work/sleep/repeat life, again. I know that’s life for 95% of people but it honestly depresses me so much and I struggle greatly with it. I don’t want to be in Canada anymore but obviously I’ll give it a chance. I can stay here and hope it gets better. But I can’t stop thinking what will happen if I’m still unhappy this time next month. Sure I can just go home again, or move to another country, but then what? Get a job, rent a place to live, work to pay the rent… exactly what I’d be doing here. I honestly feel so hopeless knowing that this is all there is to life, at least for the foreseeable future.
I’m kind of done with long-term travelling. I put myself in these situations in order to grow, learn about myself… But I feel I chose to travel for the wrong reasons this time. I know nothing about the place I’m going to be working in except that “it’s nice”. I just wanted to be anywhere except where I was. I wanted to be with my friends here but I can’t cling to them forever. It’s not travelling I want to do, it’s escaping. Escaping from all of the things I don’t like- jobs, certain people, circumstances. But unfortunately the bad stuff follows you around when you don’t deal with it. Life isn’t suddenly all sunshine and rainbows just because you took a plane to a different country. I already knew this but for some reason I thought everything would be great this time.
I’m usually on my own about 80% of the time by choice but not having the option to go see my mum or my best friend really sucks right now. I’m hoping this is just a bad day and that I’ll be able to cope better soon. But being here in my hostel is making me feel more lonely. All I want to do is cry but I have to pretend I’m fine so that I don’t make things awkward for my roommates. I want my own space but at the same time so desperately want connection.
Like I say, I’m probably being ridiculous because I’m so highly strung right now. I’ll probably read this in a few days and cringe. But right now it’s the way I’m feeling and I wanted to let it out in the best way I know how.