I have seasonal affective disorder. If you don’t know what that is, it’s pretty much depression which occurs due to the lack of daylight in winter. I’ve battled with this since I was a teenager and can usually stay on top of it but the last 4-6 weeks have been particularly rough. My self-esteem has been at an all time low and even in my happier moments the sadness is still there lingering.
One day the skies will be blue and I’ll be my usual happy self. The next, it’ll be overcast and I’ll feel hopeless about everything in life- like it’s a switch that’s getting flipped. It’s so frustrating because I have so much I want to do. I constantly write out my goals or lists of things to do so that I don’t end up sitting around being sad. But I rarely get anything done. And if I do it feels like a huge effort, even if my to do list is filled with enjoyable things like going out for lunch or going for a walk. Even blogging has become a chore and that’s always been one of my favourite things to do.
On a bad day, going to work for 4 hours and doing some dishes is a productive day for me- the rest of my time is spent in bed. If I manage to force myself to see friends or family I go home immediately after and go to sleep for hours. It’s embarrassing considering how much others do each day without complaining. When people ask what I’ve been up to I always give it the old “oh not much” when in reality I mean absolutely nothing. I always tell myself that tomorrow will be better and I’ll be more productive. But then I’ll wake up with this feeling of dread and I don’t want to get up. I feel I’m just going round in circles and it sucks- even more so that it’s because I’m standing in my own way.
But I know that being hard on myself won’t change anything. I need to celebrate the small victories and appreciate the good things in my life. The other day I came across Little Miss Katy‘s blog and like me, she suffers with SAD. I noticed one of the main features on her blog is ‘Happy Monday’, where she writes 10 nice things that have happened to her each week. She has inspired me to make Sunshine Sundays a thing. I love the idea of sharing a little sunshine in the midst of what I find to be such a dark season. I write gratitude lists every so often in my journal but from now on I will be making it a weekly habit.